The Validation Trap: Why You Keep Landing in the "Bad Guy" Role
Most people want to be seen for who they truly are. But for those who have survived toxic partners, that desire turns into a desperate search for proof that they aren't the 'bad guy' they were told they were. This is the 'Validation Hunter' trap. It’s why you magically seem to find people who finally 'get you,' only to have them turn on you later. If you're tired of being the hero in the beginning and the villain at the end, you need to understand the three types of people who are looking for a hunter just like you. It should also be said, these three personality types aren’t inherently bad, most were born from trauma and are stuck in the same unfortunate loop as you. Rather than demonize them, they should be given compassion but also a wide berth.
1. The Borderline Personality Disorder “Idealizer”
People with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) often lead with intense idealization. You are the "perfect" partner they’ve waited for all their lives. To someone starved of praise, this feels like winning the lottery.
However, it’s a preemptive strike against their own fears. Because they struggle with a fear of abandonment or engulfment, any perceived slight, like a late text or a boundary triggers a "split." To protect themselves, they flip the script: you go from the hero to the villain overnight. You’re then left chasing the validation that just vanished, wondering how you became the bad guy again.
2. The ACoA "Shapeshifter"
Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACoAs) often learned to be people-pleasers to survive chaotic homes. In a relationship, they become "shapeshifters." They agree with your views, like what you like, and shower you with praise. You think you’ve hit the validation jackpot.
The problem is that they are "over-functioning." They take care of your needs while ignoring their own boundaries. Because they don't know how to ask for help, a quiet resentment builds until they hit emotional bankruptcy. When they finally snap, they view you as the source of their exhaustion. They discard the relationship to save themselves, leaving you holding the "bad guy" card.
3. The Covert Narcissist’s "Soul Mate"
A covert narcissist draws you in with intense emotional intimacy, often positioning you as the only person who truly "understands" their suffering. This triggers a deep protective urge; you feel like their saviour, and they praise you for it.
But the moment you stop fixing them or worse, point out their toxic behavior the mask slips. They switch to passive-aggression and the silent treatment to make you feel like you’ve failed them. Because they cannot handle being the "bad guy," they will frame you as the abuser, often using smear campaigns and guilt to justify their exit. Many will take you back in what is called the narcissistic “Hoover” and suck you back only to spit you out again. Unlike the first two who cut you off completely, the covert can run this cycle for years even decades.
“Be someone who is needed, not needy.”
To escape the validation trap, you have to take the Rabbi’s advice and stop telegraphing your neediness. It’s going to feel strange at first. You might even feel like your new relationships are "dry," unexciting, or lacking that initial spark.
This is actually a sign of health. Healthy people don’t shower you with constant, unearned praise; they offer it sparingly and only when it's genuine. Praise is meant to be valuable, but when it’s handed out without limits or logic, it’s worthless. It’s not a gift—it’s a lure.